Once again I have lost my way, I guess this seems to be a regular occurrence the older I get. Is it because I have acquired a conscience, or is it because I seem to have lost my focus treading through this world of illusions.
Why am I writing this you may ask? Well reading through a lot of my old blogs, I’ve realised that I’ve come a long way, and in the last year or so I’ve lost a lot. I have forgotten things that I have promised myself I would never forget and done things I have promised myself I would never do. But admitting your mistakes is the first step to recovery right?
It seems as the years drift by, I have learnt to settle… to the point where looking at myself yesterday… simply put, I scare me. I have become everything I have hated in my youth… conforming, acting, settling, needing… that’s really not me, yet I seemed to have convinced myself that in some morbid way this was what I needed to succeed in this crazy game called life.
Epiphanies, they seem to hit you when you expect it the least. Mine happened whilst drinking earl grey and smoking during the morning tea break. Not the most romantic of settings I know, I also seemed to have lost my melodramatic streak.
So I sat there amongst the clouds, reading an Avon brochure when the question hit me. What do I want? The question seemed so simple, and the answer? just as simple… I wanted to be happy, and the second? I wanted to be me.
Unfortunately as with everything in life, simple answers do not equate to simple solutions and my path to achieving simple happiness is not as easy as it appears in my minds eye. But for my sanity I need to try… even at the cost of other’s happiness.
To quote the wisdom of a legend… “It’s my life, it’s now or never.”
Marriage, Responsibility, Conscience… To the wind with thee…
For only when I’m truly free of your shackles could I finally become me…
I may not be worthy and I may not deserve…
But I WILL stand atop of my throne and claim to the world… I am forever free…
